I was speaking to a very attractive, middle aged lady who was telling me what she wanted in a potential suitor. She said she wanted to travel, and enjoy fine dining, that her love language was receiving gifts and compliments, and she wanted someone who wouldn’t tell her what to do because she didn’t like to be controlled. Before she could continue, I stopped her in her tracks and said, “lady, you’re not looking for a suitor, you’re looking for a sucker. You want someone to spend on you so you can enjoy all the things you want to enjoy, and if he says peep, you want him to shut up so you can continue controlling him, and keep on using him.” Needless to say, my blunt approach was received with some sort of fake indignity, and the fastest ghosting in the history of ghosting!
Sadly, many people are like this. I knew a married lady whose husband provided for her and her kids, exquisitely. She didn’t have to work, she was taken on exotic vacations, went to the best restaurants, she drove a fancy car, the kids went to private school… you name it. And what did the hard working husband get in return? Nothing! The woman wouldn’t even give the most minimal of wifely pleasures to the poor guy…for 15 years he was sleeping alone! I don’t know the specifics of the husband, if he has others providing for his needs, but, if he were aware and had courage, he would have kicked her to the curb years ago.
For me, it’s about three months (mind you, it works both ways) for my partner to make me feel like I’m a priority again, before I start looking elsewhere and shutting her down. I’m not being braggadocios. This is just the way men work. If they aren’t getting it from you, they are getting it elsewhere. No excuses, no exceptions. I had cancer, in hospital, organs removed, and I was delicately charming with the nurses. Sensei was given two weeks to live, and I saw with my own two eyes his valiant attempt at wooing his female oncologist! 15 years??Really?? Don’t be a sucker. When you see someone is just a taker, don’t allow them to manipulate and control you like that.
And the real lesson here is not about specific people. People come and go. Most are not worthy. But the lesson here is that the taker is the one who ultimately loses. How many times have we lamented the small business that no longer stands? The little café that we used to frequent, that can no longer afford our cozy, intimate encounters? The sensei and dojo who was such an integral part of our lives, has closed his or her heart and doors to us…or the love and light of friendships that no longer shine due to our own greed? Reflect on this deeply as you train karate. Are you a giver or a taker? If the balance of the equation is on the former, you will grow. If it’s on the latter, you will blindly venture into your own loss. It’s hard to be selfless, but believe me what it pays in respect and dignity is immeasurable.